In my job, there are busy times and quiet times. In my quiet times I am able to explore the Internet. I frequently go to some of the nicer chat rooms and try to strike up conversations with “nice” people. Believe it or not, I have met some pretty cool people. But I have also met some deeply hurting people.
The one thing that strikes me again and again out on the Internet is that there are tons of people in a lot of pain. And in the chat rooms these people share this information freely like they are in a confessional and I am their priest or counselor. I must admit I love that role. I also know that this is a role where there is great responsibility and I take that role seriously.
Anyway, what I hear again and again is the pain that people are experiencing in their marriages. Spouse does not understand me, spouse does not love me, spouse does not fulfill my emotional needs etc.
Well I am not an expert on marital issues but there are great resources on the web that are just fantastic. One of the best web sites for marriage issues is www.marriagebuilders.com. Dr Willard F. Harley, Jr., PhD runs this site. He is best know as author of the internationally best selling book, “His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-proof Marriage”. He has been a Licensed Psychologist since 1975 and he has created a system that has proven to be very effective in saving marriages. This site is packed with tons of great marriage building information and is clearly one of the leading marriage sites on the Internet.
It just so happens that Dr. Harley now lives in the twin cities of Minneapolis and St. Paul with his wife Joyce Harley. Joyce has a radio show “In-focus” on a local Salem radio network station AM 980 KKMS
Back to my point, as an amateur marriage counselor, I end up praying with people online about their marriage and I point them to this web site. I think that the “Marriage Builders” web site is a great tool and may very well be helping in the battle to save marriages.
Not only is this site great for troubled marriages, but also is excellent for improving already good and strong marriages. Dr Harley has a concept of a “Love Bank”. If each spouse if filling each other’s Love Bank, the couple will feel like newly weds all over again. Check out A Summary of Dr. Harley’s Basic Concepts.
So, I heartily recommend this web site to all couples considering marriage, to those that have been married a long time and need a little lover refresher and especially to those of you that are struggling in your marriage. Be sure to tell a friend!
Have a great day!
Wayne
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My husband had an affair with a co-worker which ended in January 2005. The woman he had the affair with is a co-worker. My husband continued to work with her for 9 months and has just recently left the area for a different position. It’s been two days and she has made contacted, with him twice. I am needing some advice on how to deal with her actions.
I could use some help in my marriage. My husband cheated on me with someone for two years. Their relationship has sinced cooled.He blames me for everything that went wrong. We are now signing seperation papers and he still does not know what he wants. He says his feelings for me are anger and that he is not in love with me anymore because he lost that feeling when he kept everything inside that he was dissatisfied about. He had a list that of course does not make sense to me or anyone else that knew us. He told me all the time he loved me , what a great wife I was and so on. Then his business went downhill and we had to sell our beautiful home that we finished the year before all of this started.I had a virus twice that paralyzed me from the neck down.I gained 40 pds. I could not work and then I was almost killed in a car accident that put me in physical therapy for a year and a half. I had 120 stitches on my face, broken bones and a broken shoulder and shoulder blade. My face healed great, you can’t even see anything but again that took alot out of me. In any event I have gone through so much and then my husband found a girlfriend that meant everything to him.I became the enemy and I still am to him. I was blamed for everything from A to Z. Now as we speak We are signing papers soon and he says he does not know what he wants. He wants to stop hating me for everything and I am tired of it all. I gave him my life and never said one thing to him to make him feel bad about our finances, his affair or anything. I did not care if we had no money as long as we had each other , we have 2 chikdren 19 and 10 years old who are destroyed that their father left. My daughter who is 19 is the one who heard the message on his cell phone. He blames her for the demise of our marriage and that is not fair. I also have lost the 40 pounds that I gained that he also hated. He does like heavy women. I dont know what to do if I should divorce him or just do a seperation. Am I wasting my time and should I believe him. I find it very hard to believe anything since he changes his mind all the time and hurts me more and more.
Liz,
You need much more time and attention than I can give you here.
Do you have access to a good church or support group. You need those that love you to be around you.
My husband of 13 years (we were together 10 yrs before we married)
wants me to turn my back on my family. I am the oldest of 4, we lost our dad 15 years ago at the age of 39 so I’ve always felt responsible for my siblings. There was an argument between my husband & brother & now my husband thinks I should not even talk to him. I don’t understand why he is trying to be so controlling. Am I wrong?
My husband is cheating on me with a woman near his work for the past 3 months. We have been married for 16 years with one 9 year old child. I caught the affair with emails on his blackberry. I have asked him to stop the affair and go to counseling. He said no. I asked him to move out and he did. We have separated for 5 weeks. He has not filed for divorce and said he is confused. I feel the need to contact this other woman, as I have her address, phone number and email address. I still want to work on the marriage and I know he has told her the marriage is dead. However, he has spent the night back home several times and I know he hasn’t been honest with her about it because he told me. I don’t know how much longer I will want to work on the marriage, I feel she needs to back off and give us a chance and if she knew my side of the story, that may help. Should I contact her?
I am one of those wives that thought it would never happen to me. Back in Aug 2006 is when I became aware that my husband was having an affair. I could hardly believe myself purchasing the book on How to Survive an Affair. I’ve gone to one counselor but his advise was to tell him to leave until he made me number one in his life. As I read the letter for him to leave it was a crushing experience for me as I really didn’t want him to go. But I have been so dependent on him for 39 years that I kept calling him back. So the counselor told me if I didn’t follow his advise he wouldn’t counsel me anymore. So here I am pouring my heard out with so many details to my daughter in-law who was like a friend. Which isn’t what I should have done. I have gone to another counselor but I really need one who is on the same direction as Willard F. Harley, Jr. I had gotten married at 16 because I had a child. My husband married me I think out of responsibility for our misstake. We new nothing about how to work on a marriage. So years later I have now realized that I depleated my husbands love bank and he perssued another woman whom he had good feelings from. I believe he fell in love. He told me that she said she loved him and he had said the same thing to her. I have caught him in lies to me and he said he never had sex. But his actions make me question whether he is telling me the truth. He said he wasn’t seeing her anymore. But I don’t know if I believe him. I am letting myself be tormented so much of the time by my thoughts. Most important is that I have so many questions and need help as I have read in Willard F. Harleys books like the people he has counselled. I don’t know who is available here That shares the same views as Willard F. Harley Jr. I’m in Abbotsford B.C. Canada. p.s. Can you give me any advise?
Do what dr Harley recommends…
iHAD A STROKE, AND SINCE THAT, HUBBY SAYS MEAN THINGS, GETS NASTY WITH ME, INSULTING, TREATS ME LIKE I AM NO LONGER INTELLIGENT. I SENSE THIS IS THE BEGINING OF BURN OUT, HE ACTS LIKE I DID THIS INTENTIONALLY TO MESS UP HIS LIFE. HE CONSTANTLY THROWS IN MY FACE “WHAT HE DOES FOR ME” YET, I ASK FOR NOTHING, NOW I FEEL LIKE BAGGAGE. I AM GROWING TO HATE HIM, HE SEEMS TO HATE ME TOO.
My spouse had a thing in the past about tape recording phone conversations, while I was unaware of it. I would find them when the batterys where starting to run low and begin to beep. Now I have brought it to his attention that what he was or probably doing is wrong, and I was sworn it will never happen again. What should I do? Because now I am very careful when speaking on the phone with anyone. I have never done anything to provoke this behavior and I do not understand it either.
Hi Wayne
I just discovered your blog and love it. To further feed the marriage counselor in you, please visit http://www.growthtrac.com — Growthtrac is a significant marriage resource that I think will serve you and your ministry well. Jim Mueller
Thanks for the great info Jim!
Wake up in the morning, your purse the greatest asset is 24 hours.
Great post Wayne-
I am also a fan of Marriage Builder’s work. I wanted to turn you onto a resource that a colleague of mine referred me to – Michele Weiner-Davis’ Divorce Busting, http://DivorceBusting.com . A lot of very simple, practical advice, that has proven to work great with my clients. I hope you enjoy!
Thanks again,
Zach